Autograph Adventures – Maynard James Keenan

June 17, 2009
Cambridge, Massachusetts

If Paul Pierce was my white whale, Maynard James Keenan was my unicorn. Despite his profound influence on my teenage years (and my own music career), graphing the reclusive Tool singer was never a goal of mine—it was an impossibility. Known for performing in the shadows and taking the “front” out of frontman, he was even more withdrawn away from the stage. Why spend a second tracking down a guy who just doesn’t sign? When Tool or A Perfect Circle came to town I’d venture out, but only to hear the music.

A bottle of 2006 Caduceus Cellars Anubis signed by Maynard James Keenan

One of the best ways to obtain a tough graph is by keeping an eye out for a side project. An athlete writes a book. An actor starts a band. Or in Maynard’s case, a rock star plants a vineyard. Because the celebrity doesn’t have the same equity built up in the new project, they are more apt to do signings and be more accessible when wearing a different hat. So when I saw that Keenan was participating in a West Coast run of wine bottle signings during the spring of 2008, I started to believe in a mythical single-horned horse and prayed that it would migrate east. One year later it did.

Just over the River Street Bridge—on the Cambridge side—is a massive Whole Foods store, the host site for the Boston-area signing. The location featured a healthy staircase to the main level and with adrenaline pumping I took the steps two at a time. Not far from the registers was a display featuring a selection of wines eligible for the signing. I purchased two: a 2006 Merkin Vineyards Chupacabra and a 2006 Caduceus Anubis. I received my receipt and a slip detailing the day’s prohibitions, including camera use and any outside memorabilia, and headed back outside to take my place in line. I was really hoping for the picture with.

Inside the parking garage a snake of Retracta-Belts swallowed the crowd which was growing rapidly three hours before Keenan’s scheduled arrival. I was a few dozen deep and thankful I had taken the full day off from work to get an early spot.  At the serpent’s head a small tent was set up, it’s only open side facing a brick wall and blocked from view. Within the wall was a door—Maynard’s point of ingress—and it was likely we wouldn’t actually see him arrive. Over the next few hours I people-watched and rehearsed the moment I would meet my hero like a broken record in my head. I had refined exactly what I would say. How his music influenced me during my formative years. How he became a model for my own career as a rock singer. How his creative projects—Tool, A Perfect Circle, Puscifer, the wine—continued to inspire me today. Then the line began to move, the snake regurgitating the contents of its belly, and the butterflies hatched from their cocoons inside me.

It was nearly an hour before I reached the tent where a Whole Foods employee took my bottles and placed them on a white-skirted table. A pair of hulking cops set the tone—this signing was all business. I turned the corner and first saw Eric Glomski, an experienced winemaker and Maynard’s collaborator on their Arizona Stronghold line of wines. He scribbled on each bottle with a silver Sharpie and passed them to his right. To Maynard. I paused to take it in but was hurried forward. A second Whole Foods employee was positioned in front of Maynard to receive the wines and hand them back to me. The way it was arranged I wouldn’t be able to get close enough for a handshake without receiving a palm to the chest from the officer by the exit. I had only my words. This was it. I had rehearsed what I was going to say for hours. Shit, I had rehearsed this moment for a decade. Finally, face to face with my unicorn.

“Maynard, I’m a big admirer of your work.”

Oh Matt. That’s the best you could do?! Is that even grammatically correct?

“Thank you,” he said with a faint smile.

The woman shoved the signed wines into my hands and I was ushered away, my moment sandblasted by the rude blare of speakers at a radio station promo table. As I started to put the fragments of reality back together I heard a soft voice behind me.

“Enjoy.”

Who’s your unicorn?